Contemplative
by YappiChick
Summary: John's thoughts after Lifeline.  Borderline Sparky.


Title: Contemplative  
Author: YappiChick  
Spoilers: Up to Lifeline  
Disclaimer: Still don't own SGA. Bummer, dude.  
Author's Note: This is a borderline Sparky story. Yup. Sparky.

* * *

It has been three days since we lost Elizabeth; over twenty-four hours since Colonel Carter returned to Earth. I'm sitting at Elizabeth's desk, staring at the screen of her blank laptop. Somehow, it remained undamaged in the Replicator attack.

I am numb.

People are moving throughout the gate room, trying to return things to normal. Repairs to the city have been going on non-stop since we landed on the planet. I can hear Rodney barking orders to everyone: military and scientists alike.

Me? My body might be here, but my mind is countless light years away on a god-forsaken planet. I keep seeing Elizabeth, surrounded by Asurans, ordering us to leave her. And I did.

At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. Get back to Atlantis and save the city. Once that had been done, I'd lead a team and go back to get Elizabeth. No one gets left behind. And yet, here I am and she is still a prisoner.

One question keeps repeating in my mind: Why am I here?

Countless excuses fill my mind.

If I leave, I would be abandoning my temporary post as leader of Atlantis. If I leave, the IOA and the military would have my ass for taking off. If I leave--

Who am I kidding? There is only one reason why I haven't hopped on a puddle jumper and told the IOA where to stick their "request" was because I am petrified as to what I will find there.

I know the Asurans have no compassion. Their coldness seeps from their uncaring stares. I'm not fooling myself; I know that right now, Elizabeth is suffering.

Damn it, McKay, I think, why did you have to activate those nanites? I know that without his intervention, Elizabeth would have been most certainly dead, but part of me wonders if what she is going through right now isn't worse.

No, I tell myself. This is better. I will save her. She will come home. There is no other option.

My eyes water. I recall a conversation I had with Teyla a while ago. The people on this expedition are my family. Elizabeth, perhaps, is the closest one to me.

I still remember the first day I met her, in that cold, frozen base. Her enthusiasm about the Stargate program and the fact I carried the ATA gene was the reason I ultimately decided to go on the trip of a lifetime. She wanted me to be part of the expedition. The feeling of someone wanting me was so welcome; I had been ostracized from so many people for so long.

Of course, over the course of the expedition, we butted heads. She's a diplomat; I'm a soldier. However, what has always made our relationship work was the respect we have for one another. The knowledge that we have each other's back. Hell, I even have Elizabeth to thank for my current rank. I know the Air Force would have been content on keeping me a Major for the rest of my career.

I sigh loudly. I miss her.

I push the seat back and stand, making my way to the control room. So much damage, I think sadly. Quickly, I make my way to the door, to the balcony where Elizabeth and I had so many conversations. It is there that I got to know Elizabeth, the woman.

She, like me, is guarded. It isn't that she distrusts people; she just likes to have a select handful of friends. I am proud to say that I am one of them.

It was on this balcony that I feel most at home. I am not just "Colonel" or "Sheppard", but John. I can be myself around Elizabeth. I am not her leader; I am her companion. Together, we can laugh about things on Earth, which no one else seems to understand or commiserate about issues that seem to bother us, as leaders, but not to anyone else.

I lean on the railing, looking at the endless ocean before me. If I close my eyes, I can almost hear her speaking to me.

"This isn't your fault, John. We all knew the risks when we came through the gate," I hear the phantom Elizabeth say.

"Isn't it?" I ask aloud, despite the fact no one is there.

I was supposed to protect her. I was supposed to keep her safe. Instead, I allowed the enemy to capture her. I have failed her.

To my surprise, I hear the doors opening behind me. I half-expect to see Teyla; somehow, she seems to sense when someone needs comfort. However, when I turn around, I see Rodney coming to me.

"I, uh, wanted to let you know that everything is moving faster than expected," he says. I can tell he's nervous; he's fidgeting with his tablet. "You're doing what she would have wanted, you know."

I look up at him with a look of disbelief. "How do you know that?"

"Because I do. I know that there isn't anyone else she would rather see in her place than you. She knows that you have the best interest of Atlantis and the people in it," he answers.

I can agree with the last part. Though I haven't been leading much since Elizabeth's absence, the reconstruction of Atlantis is extremely important to me. "I can't just forget that she's out there," I finally say.

"No one can. Elizabeth is--" He stops himself. "We'll get her back, Sheppard. I know how stubborn you can be. But now is not the time. Get Atlantis back to normal. Let the Replicators deplete their ships and manpower. Then we will be able to get her back."

I sigh; McKay is right. We need time to recover our resources and for them to lose theirs. I swear as soon as I see Oberoth, I'm going to take him apart nanite by nanite.

I nodded slightly.

"Good," he says, making his way to the door. "When you're done out here, I need you to talk to Lorne. Apparently, he's not too keen on the idea of having me tell him what to do."

Before he goes inside, I stop him. "Rodney," I call out.

He turns around. "What?"

"Thank you. You know, for saving Elizabeth," I say sincerely.

For a moment, he softens. "You're welcome," he says, walking back inside the control room.

I turn back and look at the ocean one last time. We will save you, Elizabeth, I say silently. I promise. 


End file.
